celebrating a life
Funerals * Memorials * Gravesides
Celebration Of A Life
Coping With Grief
A Life That Counts
Two Choices
On my way home from coaching basketball yesterday, I was listening
to WGN; my favorite talk radio station out of Chicago. I could tell
right away that there was something wrong by the somber mood of the
speaker. There had been a plane crash. Two small planes collided
into each other over a northern suburb of Chicago. What made the
story hit close to home was that Bob Collins, the morning show man
for WGN, was the pilot of one of the planes and had been killed.
(I'm sure that many readers have tuned in "Uncle Bobby" on their car
radios in the Midwest.) Later that night, as I made my 40 minute
drive to my third shift job, I listened as the station reminisced
and paid tribute to a man who was loved by many. They told story
after story, describing him as the ultimate friend, and a man who
had lived life to the fullest. Genuine love and affection poured in
from all over the country. The more I listened about how this man
had influenced those around him, the more discouraged I became.
Why you ask?
I was discouraged because I wanted to know
why we as a culture, wait until somebody has passed away before we
tell them how much we love them? Why do we wait until someone's ears
can't hear before we let them how much they mean to us? Why do we
wait until it is too late before we recall the good qualities of a
person? Why do we build someone up after they have gone into
eternity? What good does it do then! We share memory after memory,
as we laugh, cry, and think back about what was positive in a
person's life. Yes, it does help us cope with the grief of losing
someone that was special to us. And yes it does bring those who are
coping, closer together. But as we lovingly remember this person,
our words fall short of the ears that most needed to hear them.
Just once I would like to see a celebration of life, instead of
a gathering of death. A celebration where stories are told, eyes
mist over, laughter rings out; and as the speaker concludes his or
her loving tribute, the person they are honoring rises from their
chair and gives them the biggest bear hug! Wouldn't that be
something! The special person gets to hear the stories and come to
the realization that they have made a difference on this earth. And
all this is done well before they leave their earthly bodies and go
into eternity. And when the inevitable funeral finally comes, we can
say good bye with the knowledge that they knew exactly how people
felt about them while they were here on earth.
I now have a
stronger resolve to tell those around me how much they mean to me. I
am going to let my wife know just how loved and appreciated she is,
not only by my words, but also by my actions. I am going to play
Batman with my four year old more often, and in the middle of our
romping, I am going to grab him, hug him tightly, and tell him how
thankful I am that he is my son. I am going to sneak into my
sleeping toddler's bedroom, place my lips on his chubby cheek, and
thank God for the bundle of joy he has brought into my life. Each
day I will make a point to tell both of my boys how much I love
them, whether they are four or eighteen! From there, I am going to
let family and friends know the tremendous impact they have had on
my life. And last but not least, I am going to let the high school
players I coach know that I look forward to each and every minute
that I get to spend with them in the gym.
Do you love
someone? Then tell them! Has someone been an influence in your life?
Then give them a call! Has someone made a difference in your life?
Then write them a letter or send them an email! Don't let another
day go by without letting that person know. There is something
special about a written letter that expresses feelings of love
towards another. I don't know about you, but I have letters and
cards from people that I have saved for years, and from time to
time, I get them out and reread them. They can turn a depressing day
into one where you realize just how blessed and loved you are.
Life is too short to leave kind words unsaid. The words you say, or
the letter you write, might just make all the difference in the
world.
Grief is a natural, emotional response to a major loss, such as the
death of a loved one. It is often characterized by extreme mental
anguish. Other losses, such as divorce, miscarriage or the loss of a
home or job, are also sources of grief. Grief is an important and
necessary reaction that eventually leads to emotional healing.
However, it can be a prolonged and intensely painful experience, and
can result in significant emotional distress. Social function and
productivity at work or school may be impaired, although most people
who are grieving continue to work and socialize.
People
grieve for different periods of time. The grief reaction may last
for months or years. Intense symptoms of emotional distress
generally last between six and 12 months, with less intense grieving
continuing for one to three years.
The grieving process may
occur in several stages. Early stages may involve numbness or denial
of the loss, followed by anger. Some people may then experience deep
yearning followed by despair. The final stages include acceptance of
the loss.
The stages of grief are not linear. Some people go
through the stages quickly or even skip some stages entirely. Other
people seem to linger or return to certain stages after a period of
feeling better. For example, a person who has been widowed may
experience anger at the loss of the spouse soon after the spouse's
death. The anger may diminish but return months later, when the
surviving spouse is confronted with a chore formerly performed by
the deceased person (e.g., handling finances).
People grieve
differently at different ages. Children may not understand the
concept of death and may take more time to grieve. Preschool-aged
children typically view death as temporary and may need to have it
explained repeatedly. Children between the ages of 5 and 9 years
generally begin to understand death better. They comprehend that the
dead person is not returning and may ask questions or invent games
about dying. Adolescents understand death as adults do, but may
grieve differently. They often seek help within their own peer
groups and may engage in more impulsive or risk-taking behaviors,
such as drug or alcohol use or impulsive sexual behavior.
Different types of grief include:
Normal
grief. Also called uncomplicated grief. The normal, healthy response
to a major loss.
Anticipatory grief. Grief that begins before
(in anticipation of) the loss, such as the initiation of divorce
proceedings or when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal
illness.
Anniversary reactions. Grief responses that occur
following reminders of the loss, such as on anniversaries, holidays
or other special days throughout the year. These can last for days
or weeks, and are not necessarily a setback in the grieving process.
By Dr. John C. Maxwell
Ben Franklin once wrote, "I would
rather have it said 'he lived usefully' than 'he died rich.'" More
than just words, it was the way Franklin lived his life. One example
of his useful nature was the invention of the Franklin stove.
Instead of patenting it and keeping it to himself, Ben Franklin
decided to share his invention with the world.
According to Dr. John C. Van Horne, Library Company of Philadelphia:
"Franklin's philanthropy was of a collective nature. His sense of
benevolence came by aiding his fellow human beings and by doing good
to society. In fact, in one sense, Franklin's philanthropy, his
sense of benevolence, was his religion. Doing good to mankind was,
in his understanding, divine." Even his position as a printer fit
this philosophical bent. He did not hoard his ideas, but shared
them, and everyone benefited. He had an "abundance mentality."
Instead of seeing the world in terms of how much money he could
make, Franklin saw the world in terms of how many people he could
help. To Benjamin Franklin, being useful was its own reward.
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with
learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a
speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After
extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature
does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things
as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children
do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?' The audience
was stilled by the query.
The father continued. 'I believe
that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically
disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human
nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat
that child.' Then he told the following story:
Shay and I had
walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play? I knew that most of
the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a
father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it
would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence
to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. I approached one
of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay
could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're
losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he
can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth
inning.' Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad
smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye
and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being
accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team
scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the
ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field.
Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to
be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved
to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning,
Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded,
the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be
next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away
their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.
Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't
even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the
ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher,
recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this
moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in
softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch
came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a
few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch
came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right
back to the pitcher. The game would now be over.
The pitcher
picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to
the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been
the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over
the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone
from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he
made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and
startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second,
run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and
struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards
second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on
their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but
he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally
threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him
circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay,
Shay, all the Way Shay' Shay reached third base because the opposing
shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third
base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!' As Shay
rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators were on
their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'Shay ran to home,
stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand
slam and won the game for his team' That day', said the father
softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both
teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this
world'. Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter,
having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and
coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero
of the day!